Lady Abigail's loins and groins: An Epic
by AmericanNoseBleed
Summary: First chapter written by my Juanderful friend. The rest, by yours truly, Carmen Sandiego.
1. Chapter 1

It is expected of a young lady, that she wait either by the door to her house or on the balcony of her mansion for any sign of a knock on the door or the distant rumbling of a carriage (as is typical of any period novel or movie where the lady of the house is always gasping at the faintest sign of a knock). At any moment a man might come and sweep them off and into marriage. Lady Abigail was now a... 14 year old maiden and her mother thought it imperative that she be married and have children. Abigail was worrying to her mother, as she was the last of her daughters to be wed and soon would be found undesirable. Her sister Chastity, by the age of 12, had already married and bore 16 children and Beatrice, now 13, had been widowed 3 times already. Lady Abigail did have a brother, but he spent his days frolicking in the tulip garden and eyeing naked blacksmiths in the lake. The family kept him in the attic preferred not to mention him. As was expected of a society lady, Abigail was to sit and keep her rapt attention to the door. She was to stare at it endlessly with no interruption whatsoever and at the sign of a knock she was to gasp, make herself presentable, and run to the door. Not too fast though, as it is known by europe's finest doctors that too much exertion on a woman might imbalance her tender humours and cause her brain to hemorrhage.


	2. Chapter 2

Lady Abigail's prudish name and aura fools and intrigues the boorish men in the fields as if her uncharted genital peninsula supplied her with pheromones that extend the centrifugal compass of Fukushima's radiation leak. Lady Abigail's title and heir intimidate the scurvy sportin' boot-slugging men who work for her and the nearby dildo plantations. She is often restless. Hungry. Her English DNA provides her with horse-like teeth and an insatiable appetite for the male groin, which as an upstanding English citizen she must honor. But until she is romantically courted like her sister, Chastity, she will remain in lotus pose, tenaciously gripping the door handle with her cock-eye.


	3. Chapter 3

"Mama! Mama!" squealed Lady Abigail through her urine tinted buckteeth. Such urgency could only mean that a suitor was nearby, a knight after Lady Abigail's unplumbed cartilage flaps. Mother rushed to Abigail's right side, zealously clawing at her daughter's slumped shoulder in anticipation of the arrival of the distant thumping.

"He must have ogre sized feet" judged Lady Abigail's prune-faced mum who was off-put by the volume and frequency of the thumps.

"You know what they say about big feet.." started the mother after which Lady Abigail chimed, "felicitous bowel movements and digestive utility!"

The thought of a serviceable intestinal tract make Lady Abigail's fat face flush and the region subjacent to her belly-overhang tingle.

Both women wiggled in compound meter as they noted the gentlemen's ever-nearing proximity, excited to have their parlor invaded.

The thwacking came to a halt immediately followed by a fat knock on the door.

The women sat motionless.

Another pounding at the door, this one reminiscent of those knocks of the IRS collecting taxes and personal possessions such as home-made elephant tusk vibrators.

The door was then thrust open with the force of 9.5 disease-destined chicken.

The room permeated with a silence so strong it could wound the treasured bicep of Australia's only achievement, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In the doorway stood a valiant, stout double-amputee dwarf in full regalia.

As the women eyeballed his perimeter and what it retained, each poorly tapered-off nublet seemed skimpier than the one before. They remarked his calloused bottom, hardened from years of travel by thumping.

His most adult-like body part was his cleft chin.

Throughout this visual interrogation, no verbal exchange, not even a greeting had taken place.

Then..

"He's perfect." exclaimed Lady Abigail.


End file.
